Some things are worth forgetting, so wash it all down in booze!
by whatamidoing765
Summary: What happens if the DW characters drank a little-Scratch that- TOO much? May have certain themes that are not appropriate for children and weak-minded teens, has things where I go too far, and extreme stupidity.


**Wei**

**Cao Cao: He drinks his butt off and may flirt with Zhen Ji and the other women. Of course this sends him flying out the palace. **

**Cao Pi: He fights a random peon using a wooden sword, he wins, and then jams it up the peon's behind in victory. "I win. BLARGH!"**

**Xiahou Dun: Tells war-stories drunk and tries to eat a ping pong ball, thinking it's an eyeball.****  
**

**Xiahou Yuan: Gets a random peon, and uses him as target practice with the apple on his head. He misses and the arrows surround the peon, barely missing his whole body and the apple.**

**Cao Ren: Pretends he is a Gundam robot. "I'M FIRIN' MA LAZER!" He barrels into a wall, destroying it, but he falls due to the impact. **

**Zhang He: Jumps out the window, thinking he's a butterfly. "I believe I can fllllyyyAAAAAAAHHH!"**

**Zhang Liao: He accidentally burns his facial hair off when he got too close to a lamp. "It's sooo bright...AAAHH! My face is on fire!"**

**Yue Jin: Runs all around China and Europe for no-good reason. "Asssk me hooow the Rooman Enmmpire is doing." ****How is it doing? Yue Jin runs, then comes back, one hour later in a toga. "Greeeeat."**

**Li Dian: Uses his wheeled halberd to make crop circles in the fields. He even drew circles resembling pizza. Historians in the future are baffled. **

**Zhen Ji: It turns out she and Cao Pi had intercourse in front of everyone. Cao Cao got a painting of it, but she disposed of it.**

**Cai Wenji: I don't think she would even drink. **

**Wang Yi: Rapes Guo Jia, Jia Xiu, and Cai Wenji when she had WAY too much to drink. **

**Pang De: Pretends he's a Transformer. "Goooo, Auutoobots!" He rams directly into the wall and falls.**

**Guo Jia: Just had intercourse with all of the maids in one go. **

**Jia Xiu: "Why is the rum gone?" I don't know..."Why is the rum gone?!" You don't even drink rum. "WHY IS THE RUM GONE?! Tell me, or else I'll send yooou to Daaavy Jone's Locker!" **

**Dian Wei: "MAYONNAISE! I have finally have enough mayonnaise!" He chugs down infinite bottles of mayonnaise. **

**Xu Chu: Eats the wine bottle along with other things that should not be edible. He even eats the mayonnaise Dian Wei was throwing and squrtting around. **

**Xu Huang: He climbs up on top of the palace. "I'm at the summit of truuue miiight! HAHHAHA! WHOA!" He falls off, and lands in the pond.**

**Wu**

**Zhou Yu: He uses his teeth to tear up a Zhuge Liang doll. Runs out the palace to splash around in the pond.**

**Lu Xun: He burns ANYTHING in his path. Even a person.**

**Taishi Ci: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HOT! HOT!" Unfortunately, the alcohol is making it a lot worse for him.**

**Sun Shang Xiang: Throws all her weapons at random peons. They barely miss them. "Taakee thiiis!" She chases some peons down with a spear with a halberd duct taped together.**

**Sun Jian: Cuddles a tiger, thinking it was stuffed. Surprisingly, the tiger was all for it. "Ahhh...it's sooo soft..."**

**Sun Quan: "Hey, hey, Zhou T-Tai...Strip. Shoooow these guys your baaaattle s-scars...hic-BLARGH! Do...what I say or your head...wiilll fllly..."**

**Lian Shi: Would she drink? Sun Quan needs someone to take him back home.**

**Xiao Qiao: She's not of legal age to drink.**

**Da Qiao: She's not of legal age to drink. **

**Sun Ce: Strips and streaks down the palace. He runs out to go out around China nude. "Smeell that aiiir! Can't you juuust drink it like boooze?"**

**Zhou Tai: Did what Sun Quan just said. **

**Ding Feng: He acts all Zhang He-ish and dances around out into the garden. (Can't unsee that, huh?)**

**Lu Su: Skinny dips into the Yangtze with Zhou Yu and Lu Meng.**

**Han Dang: Writes all over the walls, saying "REMEMBER OR REDRUM." **

**Huang Gai: Gets a fire boat and hits a mountain range directly just for the heck of it.**

**Gan Ning: Runs nude and does all thinkable unsanitary things. Poop? Check. Urinate? Check. Puke? Check. Name it, he's done it. **

**Ling Tong: Roundhouse kicks everything. *BAM* "Roadhouse." *BAM* "Roadhouse." *BAM* OW! "Roadhouse."**

**Lu Meng: Takes a dump while in the Yangtze.**

**Shu**

**Liu Bei: "My dream is to...uh...My dream...um...Zhuge Liang...what is it again? I forgot...BLARGH!"**

**Zhao Yun: "Whooo waaants to riiide my dragon spear...?" After a while , it turns out he had intercourse with six maids. **

**Guan Yu: "I'mmmmm a MOTHER****ING GOD! Don't tell me...what I can't drink or can drink! BLARGH! Ugh...it got all over ma bread-I mean-beard..."**

**Zhang Fei: "Ok, ok. Who ever pukes first loses...okkk? The winner gets Yue Ying's last pie. I'm gonna go first." He drinks an entire bottle of wine, but he pukes after he finishes. **

**Zhuge Liang: "Whoa, sooo many stars...Oh, look a lion-thing-mi-gig that shoots hell!" He goes into a random juggarnaut. **

**Yue Ying: Goes juggarnaut racing with Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong. She's drunk too, yes. She's obviously stressed out if she needed to drink that much.**

**Zhang Bao: "Whoaaa! Looks like Father is not getting it! I'm going next!" He chugs a wine bottle, but pukes after that. **

**Xing Cai: Chases Liu Shan down with a rocket launcher, shooting and barely missing him. **

**Guan Xing: "I heard...those piies are gooood, sooo I'm gooing next." He drinks a wine bottle. "I feel great, it seems I win."**

**Guan Suo: "Noot soo fast! I want the pie!" He chugs a wine bottle. After a while, Xing and Suo puke. **

**Guan Ping: "Oh, boy! I wiiin! That means I get thhe piiie! But I feel-BLARGH!"**

**Guan Yinping: She can't drink. She walks in the room, holding a pot. "Who wants chowder?" Everyone in that room pukes. **

**Bao Sanniang: Is she legal? I let Suo drink, so I guess she can. She acts like a cat and tears up the curtains. **

**Xu Shu: Drinking so much, his liver gave out. He falls in a pond.**

**Ma Chao: "Cheeestnut! Where's Chestnut? Oh, no! Don't tell me you're horse meat! NOOOOOO!" He doesn't even have a horse named Chestnut. **

**Jiang Wei: "Chanc-hic-lor! Wheeeere are...you? OOF!" A drunk Zhuge Liang hits him with a juggarnaut.**

**Huang Zhong: "This pie tastes sooo goood. But I'm gonna get fat if I eat more...Ah, screw it!"**

**Wei Yan: Barbarically destroys walls and tears up cloth with his teeth. He even made a dent in the Great Wall of China.**

**Pang Tong: Crashes his juggarnaut into the palace. "Heeey...people...I now claim this..." He falls face down.**

**Liu Shan: He runs weirdly as he getting chased with rockets. He then jumps into a pond for no good reason. He still gets a rocket to the bum. **

**Ma Dai: Paints all of his paintings everywhere and draws a crooked moustache on a passed-out Ma Chao.**

**Jin**

**Sima Yi: He really acts immature when drunk."Why am I wearing such a f***ing stupid thing? What is this? Why am I wearing this in the first place?" He pukes into the hat and tosses it. "Hey...chihuahua...Look... these big-ass meatbuns remind me of someone...I suddenly want sex now...Chinhua-I mean-Chunhua! Caaan...yooou come heeere for a-a moment? Don't yoou dare waaalk the other way from meee! Don't you daare slaam the door on me! These doors don't have locks! I'm coooming in! Ha, come... "**

**Sima Shi: Eats meatbuns in a very suggestive way. "Hehe, heh...these look like boobs...ha...Nom nom...BLARGH!"**

**Sima Zhao: "Heeey, gorgeous..." It was his mother, but he's too drunk to know. "So...what ya doing-BLARGH!" He then passes out.**

**Zhang Chunhua: Her family is nuts, so she might want to sneak in a few sips. But she doesn't know she has low tolerance to alcohol. Gets immediately drunk and performs a striptease. Bashes Sima Yi's head with a wine bottle for no good reason. Then rated-M stuff happens between them. Ok, I'll say it. They had sex, happy?**

**Wang Yuanji: Same thing, she might sneak in a few sips. But low tolerance. A few minutes later...She is nude and breaks down the wall swinging on a giant ball. "I came in like a wreeeeking baaall!" (Oh, yeeeah. I went there!)**

**Jia Chong: Starts to act like Gene Simmons. "I waaant some Dr. Pepepepper now! It better not be the cherry crap!" **

**Xiahou Ba: Not of legal age...?**

**Guo Huai: He's down already, possibly from a nosebleed and too much alcohol combo.**

**Zhong Hui: "Whaaat is this...? Why is there a long-ass stringy-thingy coming from the back of my hair...? I'll get rid of that..." He chops off the rattail, along with most of his hair that was near it.**

**Zhuge Dan: He flirts with a random maid. "Want to feel my baall of liiighting...? Ha, ha...Or the power...?" **

**Wen Yang: "Everrrrything looks soooo tiiiny...Ugh..." He wobbles out onto the balcony and falls off.**

**Deng Ai: "Excuse miss...You can't do that here...This wrecking ball is for construction use only..." But he gets knocked away when Yuanji forces the wrecking ball to his face.**

**Other**

**Lu Bu: OMG RUN! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! **

**Diao Chan: Strips and dances in front of the entire Lu Bu army. **

**Dong Zhou: He falls, and can't get up. Random peons then rolled him down a hill.**

**Zhang Jiao: Gets Saturday Night Fever. "Hit it!" He starts dancing with a disco ball hanging over him. **

**Yuan Shao: Tries to eat his gold. "You will neeever take ma precious!"**

**Zuo Ci: Performs random spells and curses that plague the land. "Ok...Cao Cao can suffer from intense migraines and runny diarrhea...Liu Bei gets...ha...meatbuns for hands! And...maybe give Sun Quan a four-hour boner...Yeah, that should do..." **

**Meng Huo: Tries cuddling the elephant. (Yeah...that won't work...)**

**Zhu Rong: Cuddles the tigers. "So soft...so soft..."**

* * *

**Here are the references made in this:**

**Cao Pi did fight a guy drunk in history. The two were just using sticks, and Cao Pi won. Figures.**

**Jia Xiu quotes one of Jack Sparrow's lines, "Why is the rum gone?" **

**Why is Dian Wei eating mayonnaise? Because his seiyuu voiced Toshiro Hijikata from Gintama, and he is obsessed with mayonnaise. Xiahou Dun also was voiced by him. **

**Yes, I went there with Guo Jia and the who-knows-how-many-maids.**

**Sun Quan asking Zhou Tai to strip was something that really happened historically. It was to make the men at the party to trust him since they believed he wasn't loyal and was a former pirate. Quan asked him tell a story on each of his battle scars.**

**Sun Ce quoted a line from Fallout: New Vegas. Funny thing was the NPC that said that was voiced by Yuri Lowenthal, Sun Ce's voice actor. **

**The Yangtze is a river that would have gone through the Wu state.**

**REDRUM is from The Shining. It's murder spelled backwards.**

**Ling Tong roundhouse kicking everything and saying "Roadhouse" was from Family Guy.**

**That drinking contest and Yinping walking in with a pot of chowder was based on a Family Guy scene.**

**Meatbuns do look like boobs. What? I'm being honest.**

**Yuanji's drunk and she's blonde...so yeeeah...**

**Gene Simmons was the guy from KISS and did a Dr. Pepper commercial. Ironically for Jia Chong, Gene did a CHERRY Dr. Pepper commercial.**


End file.
